Why is change so darn hard …

October 3, 2008
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I just saw this great representation of personal change in Peter Webb’s latest newsletter (www.intentional.com.au).

I think we forget that making a change is so much more complicated than just making a decision to change, committing to it, and doing it. New behaviours involve letting go of old behaviours and the identity that goes with them.

In preparation for going to the US for Christmas this year, I have been trying to lose a bit of weight. I selected made a plan, changed my behaviours around food and drink, stepped up the exercise, and started a log. After week 2, the scale showed almost no change…yet, the behaviours I have changed are significant and I expected to see a reward. Now I have to fight the urge of slipping back to ‘X’ – the ‘up for anything as long as it involves food and wine’ girl. She is familiar, comfortable, and acceptable, both to me and the people around me. I have to remind myself that this change is about much more than weight loss…it has to do with my identify and the things I love to do. If I want my plan to stick, I have to address that stuff, too.

Here is Peter’s article:

Bob Kegan, Professor of Adult Learning and Professional Development at Harvard University and Co-Director for the Change Leadership Group, suggests any intentional shift from our old identity (X) to a new identity (Y) takes 6 steps:

  • X is the old way of being – familiar, comfortable, acceptable.
  • But then we get a sense that there’s “something else out there for me”, even if we don’t quite know what that is yet. This step is represented as X(y).
  • As we develop a clearer sense of what we want (Y) we begin to feel anxious about what we’re leaving behind (X). “What if I can’t do it? What if it’s not real?” This is represented as X/Y.
  • Then we get excited about the change. “I wish I could be more (Y)”. Yet there’s still a fear of loss of the old way of being. This step is represented as Y/X.
  • The next step is a deliberate declaration of the new identity represented as Y(x). We avoid people we used to associate with at X. We become resistant to criticism. “I love it here and I won’t be pulled back!” Yet there’s still baggage from the previous identity (x).
  • Finally, at Y we fully embrace the new sense of self. “This is a new life – a second chance!”

Of course we’re more likely to “stumble” towards change than make these transitions with any kind of seamless grace – two steps forward, one step backwards! And BIG changes can takes months and years.

And even then progressive change is not guaranteed. We can just as easily slip back to the old way of being. Yet Kegan says these big shifts in life are part of our adult development. “Life is pain Princess. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something!”

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