Listening

October 9, 2008 by obm · Leave a Comment 

How are your listening skills? Until last week, I would have told you that mine are excellent – but then I got caught not listening to someone during an important conversation – opps.

Why wasn’t I listening? I have been giving that some thought. I dug out the Listening Style’s Profile (Watson, Barker, and Weaver*), and took the test.

It turns out that I am an Action-Oriented Listener. I get impatient with speakers who jump all over the place. But that’s not good enough in my profession. I need to be able to hear what a speaker is saying, regardless of how he or she is saying it. So, I have some work to do. Want to take the test? Answer the following questions honestly using the scale of:

0 = Never, 1 = Infrequently, 2 = Sometimes, 3 = Frequently, 4 = Always

  1. I focus my attention on the other person’s feelings when I am listening to them
  2. When listening to others I quickly notice if they are pleased or disappointed
  3. I become involved when listening to the problems of others
  4. I nod my head and/or use eye contact to show interest in what others are saying
  5. I am frustrated when others don’t present their ideas in an orderly, efficient way
  6. When listening to others, I focus on inconstancies and/or errors in what is being said
  7. I jump ahead and/or finish thoughts of speakers
  8. I am impatient with people who ramble on during conversations
  9. I prefer to listen to technical information
  10. I prefer to hear facts so I can personally evaluate them
  11. I like the challenge of listening to complex information
  12. I ask questions to probe for additional information
  13. When hurried, I let the other person(s) know that I have a limited amount of time to listen
  14. I begin a discussion by telling others how long I have to meet
  15. I interrupt others when I feel time pressure
  16. I look at my watch or clocks in the room when I have limited time to listen to others

What type of listener are you? To find out, add up the scores for each block of 4 questions.

People-Oriented (highest score is questions 1-4): Concern for others’ feelings and emotions is paramount. Looks for common areas of interest and tries to respond empathetically. Possible downside: spending time trying to win over the listener, rather than actually listening.

Action-Oriented (highest score is questions 5-8): Preference for concise, error-free information. Can be particularly impatient and easily frustrated when listening to a disorganised presentation. Possible downside: ‘checking out’ of a conversation where the speaker isn’t being concise.

Content-Oriented (highest score is questions 9-12): Preference for receiving complex and challenging information. Tend to evaluate facts and details carefully before forming judgments and opinions. Possible downside: ignores the speaker’s emotional message in pursuit of facts.

Time-Oriented (highest score is questions 13-16): Preference for brief or hurried interactions with others. Tend to let others know how much time they have to listen or meet. Possible downside: people around you not telling you everything because they are worried about time constraints.

Most people have either one or two main styles. What are yours? What impact might they be having on your conversations with your clients, prospects, partner or kids? If you don’t think you have the balance right, what do you need to do to make a change?

*Watson, K.W., Barker, L.L. & Weaver, J.B. The Listening Styles Profile (LSP-16): Development and validation of an instrument to assess four listening styles. The international Journal of Listening, Vol. 9. Pp. 1-14.

Filed under: Personal Development
Tagged:

Why is change so darn hard …

October 3, 2008 by obm · Leave a Comment 

I just saw this great representation of personal change in Peter Webb’s latest newsletter (www.intentional.com.au).

I think we forget that making a change is so much more complicated than just making a decision to change, committing to it, and doing it. New behaviours involve letting go of old behaviours and the identity that goes with them.

In preparation for going to the US for Christmas this year, I have been trying to lose a bit of weight. I selected made a plan, changed my behaviours around food and drink, stepped up the exercise, and started a log. After week 2, the scale showed almost no change…yet, the behaviours I have changed are significant and I expected to see a reward. Now I have to fight the urge of slipping back to ‘X’ – the ‘up for anything as long as it involves food and wine’ girl. She is familiar, comfortable, and acceptable, both to me and the people around me. I have to remind myself that this change is about much more than weight loss…it has to do with my identify and the things I love to do. If I want my plan to stick, I have to address that stuff, too.

Here is Peter’s article:

Bob Kegan, Professor of Adult Learning and Professional Development at Harvard University and Co-Director for the Change Leadership Group, suggests any intentional shift from our old identity (X) to a new identity (Y) takes 6 steps:

  • X is the old way of being – familiar, comfortable, acceptable.
  • But then we get a sense that there’s “something else out there for me”, even if we don’t quite know what that is yet. This step is represented as X(y).
  • As we develop a clearer sense of what we want (Y) we begin to feel anxious about what we’re leaving behind (X). “What if I can’t do it? What if it’s not real?” This is represented as X/Y.
  • Then we get excited about the change. “I wish I could be more (Y)”. Yet there’s still a fear of loss of the old way of being. This step is represented as Y/X.
  • The next step is a deliberate declaration of the new identity represented as Y(x). We avoid people we used to associate with at X. We become resistant to criticism. “I love it here and I won’t be pulled back!” Yet there’s still baggage from the previous identity (x).
  • Finally, at Y we fully embrace the new sense of self. “This is a new life – a second chance!”

Of course we’re more likely to “stumble” towards change than make these transitions with any kind of seamless grace – two steps forward, one step backwards! And BIG changes can takes months and years.

And even then progressive change is not guaranteed. We can just as easily slip back to the old way of being. Yet Kegan says these big shifts in life are part of our adult development. “Life is pain Princess. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something!”

Filed under: Change
Tagged:

Are you the sage on the stage or the guide on the side?

September 24, 2008 by obm · Leave a Comment 

I just got off the phone with one of my clients. He was complaining about an event he had gone to recently – he was expecting it to be a roundtable where the attendees would be discussing common problems and solutions. Instead, it was a product pitch.  The host did all the talking, ran over the allotted time, and didn’t leave time for meaningful questions.

My client felt like this host company had missed out on a great opportunity. They had some really interesting people around the table who were keen to learn from each other, yet no one other than the hosts had a chance to speak. The attendees left feeling like they had wasted their time and had been talked at.  The hosts left without learning anything new about their customers and prospects.

So, we started speculating…why do people do this? Our conclusion: confidence. You can tell when a person really knows her stuff it’s when she doesn’t insist on trying to prove how smart she is. People who are confident in their subject areas don’t mind admitting when they don’t know something. They are curious and reflective.

One of my coaching instructors, Tony Grant, loves to say:  be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage.  I say:  have enough confidence in yourself learn from others.’

Filed under: Personal Development
Tagged:

Turning Ideas into Action

September 19, 2008 by obm · Leave a Comment 

Do you have trouble following through on your great ideas? Yesterday I attended the Flying Solo Live conference and got some new ideas for my business. I especially liked one of the talks on networking (with people, not computers). The speaker gave several keys for successful networking: be the first to arrive at events, stand in a way that invites people into your conversation, have your introduction prepared ahead of time, etc. I thought to myself ‘I’m going to try that.  But, will I or will I just fall back into old habits?

There is a key step between idea and action, or what Prochaska and DiClemente (1982) would call the Preparation stage of change. In preparation, I might be ready to make a change to my behaviour, but I am unclear about my plans or commitment. In other words, I haven’t thought about the steps I need to take.

  • What specifically am I going to do differently?
  • When is my next opportunity to practise?
  • What is the first thing I need to do?

Ok, I hadn’t really thought about all of that. So, here it is:

On Saturday, I am going to a training session that starts at 9:00. I am going to arrive before 8:45. On the way there, I am going to rehearse how I will explain my business. Having that rehearsed will mean that my attention is totally focussed on the people I meet.

Spending more time in preparation is like a stepping stone your pathway between contemplation and action.

Filed under: Change, Personal Development
Tagged:

Get Out of Your Own Way

September 14, 2008 by obm · Leave a Comment 

Do you ever catch yourself behaving in a way you don’t quite understand? The other day I caught myself surfing the internet, when I had really sat down at my computer to complete a specific task. What happened?

Sometimes patterns of behaviour reside just below our consciousness. To understand them, we need to stop and analyse why we are doing or not doing something. Next time it happens to you, try this simple exercise to see if you can tie your behaviour (ie surfing the net instead of working toward a deadline) back to a dysfunctional belief.

Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis introduced the concept of dysfunctional beliefs and established a connection between thoughts and feelings. Ellis in particular used a model of ABC where:

‘A is the actual event, ‘B is the belief about the event, and C is the consequence : the emotion or behaviour that results.

The easiest application for me to remember (thanks to the scholar Peltier) is to imagine your behaviour in terms of a simple Kantian poem:

I see tiger (event)

I think I am in danger (belief)

I feel fear (emotional consequence)

I run (behavioural consequence)

The belief that I am in danger from the tiger causes me to run, and is probably a useful response. But what if I have neglected to notice that the tiger is actually behind bars? Then, my belief that I am in danger is no longer accurate and my fear and running responses are no longer useful.

When you catch yourself in a behaviour that you don’t quite understand, try tracing it back using the 4 steps of the tiger poem. For example, here is what I learned about my own behaviour:

The task on my todo list is something I have never done before

I think I don’t know what I am doing

I feel fear of failure

I surf the net to avoid doing it

Once I identified my dysfunctional belief (ie I don’t know what I am doing), I was able to practise a more useful pattern:

I see the unfamiliar task

I think about other experiences that will be helpful to me

I feel excited to try

I do my task and learn something new

Next time this happens to you, see if you can trace your behaviour to an unhelpful pattern of thinking and then replace it with something more useful. It’s an easy trick for getting out of your own way!

Filed under: Personal Development
Tagged: